Anal Retentive
by dimestoredramatic
Summary: If only Jason knew what anal-retentive really meant, he wouldn't be so horrified.


This is dedicated to my uncle, though I hope to god he _never_ reads it. I'm dedicating it to him because, well. He always was a fan of making toothpick structures, or so I've heard.

* * *

"Shane! For god's sake, I _just_ straightened out those pencils! What the hell is wrong with you!?"

Jason was leaning against the headboard of his bed, propped up by a few pillows and trying to tune out the sounds of Nate's argument with Shane; so far, he was failing.

"Oh, I'm sorry that I just PAINFULLY STUBBED MY TOE and accidently made your pencils move! God forbid the pencils not be exactly perfect!

Jason's eyelids fluttered shut as he strained harder to ignore them. He had mostly succeeded, too, when suddenly his attention was regained.

"No! I'm just tired of your holier-than-thou, OCD, anal-retentive-"

Jason lurched upright and stared straight at the two in front of him. "What did you just call Nate!?" he said, his incredulity plain in every syllable he spoke. He was sure he must have misheard Shane. Anal-retentive? The word sounded somewhat sexual, and if there's one thing Jason knew Nate frowned upon, it was pre-marital sex.

Shane and Nate stared at him, feud momentarily forgotten. "Uh, you mean holier-than thou?" asked Nate, puzzled at Jason's sudden outburst. Jason shook his head, tightlipped, and Shane said "OCD? I'll admit, that wasn't very nice. If it matters so much to you, Jason, I'll apologize to him."

Now Jason was certain he must've misheard. After all, neither Nate nor Shane seemed to find anything out of place with what Shane had said. However, he simply had to be certain. "No," Jason stressed in annoyance, "_Anal-retentive._"

Nate and Shane exchanged looks. "What's wrong with that?" Nate asked, perplexed. "Besides the fact that it isn't true in the slightest."

Had the Earth fallen off its axis, or was Jason missing something? Normally, Nate would have covered his ears in scandalized horror at the mention of a word such as anal. "Aren't you offended? At being referred to as such, Nate?"

Shane's mind was frantically working, trying to find out what Jason was on about. "I wasn't trying to be offensive, Jason. It's the truth; he _is_ anal-retentive. And it always seems to be me that is on the receiving end of his anal-retentiveness."

Jason stared from Nate to Shane in open shock. "Excuse me?" he said, horrified. "You _what?_"

He was really confused now – why were Nate and Shane being so blasé about the fact that they were, apparently, engaging in who knows what with each other?

Shane put a hand on Jason's shoulder, but Jason flinched away. "Come on, Jase," Shane said. "You know Nate spazzes out at me more often than he does at anyone else. It's because I'm so clumsy and am always messing up his toothpick sculptures and stuff."

Nate shoved Shane hard and insisted, "I don't make toothpick sculptures anymore, Shane."

Jason was still lost. "But… what does any of that have to do with Nate… Nate… Nate's _anus_?" he whispered, in utter mortification. His blush became even more pronounced as Shane and Nate simultaneously burst into identical bouts of hysterical laughter.

"Jase, man," said Shane, wiping his eyes. "Not his _anus._ God, Jason, anal-retentive means that he's got, like, obsessive neatness and whatnot."

Jason was fairly certain that his face was radiating more heat than the sun at the moment. "Oh," he said quietly, "Yes, yes, I knew that."

Nate was still choking on his own saliva as he attempted to contribute to the conversation. "You thought… Oh gosh… And… Me… Shane… Hahaha."

Irate, Jason shoved past them, intentionally bumping into Nate's table as he exited the room. All the pencils fell to the ground and Nate's anguished cry was like a beautiful melody to Jason. Smiling as he passed his parents, Jason said, "Don't worry, he's just screaming because I messed up his pencils. He's so anal-retentive, don't you think?"

His parents gawked at him, as he strolled happily over to the refrigerator to make a sandwich.


End file.
